This is a bit sensitive and quite difficult to write. If it gets published, then I’ve come a lot farther than I thought.
I suffered a childhood trauma that NO child should suffer at the hands of her father. No, it was not as severe because I was old enough and strong enough to pull away rather quickly, especially given my father’s sleepy and slightly inebriated state. Like any other youngster, I pretended that it never happened and promptly buried the memory.
Here I am in my 50s, a time it seems that old memories suddenly re-surface, asking to be faced and dealt with so that we can continue to grow into our next phase of life. Out came this nightmare. After dealing with it on my own for a time, I decided to seek out a psychologist, one dealing with cognitive-behavioral therapy so I could learn to deal with this and any future situations myself. Heavens! I’m actually seeing a shrink!!!! Not me!
I confided in my long-time mentor, a wonderful man who has known me since my teen years. His response was, “So? That was a long time ago. Forget about it.” When I told him that it was not going away on its own and that I’d sought professional help, he said, “You should know better than that. Forget about it.”
Okay – he was a kid once. He was raised in a stable home environment by two loving parents. He was, however, nor will he ever be, A GIRL! He was never even eligible for the title of altar boy because his family was not Catholic.
I couldn’t explain to him what I was going through. It was obvious that he was not even going to attempt to understand that I could be feeling emotionally bruised.
I’ve told few people about this experience, and those I’ve told have been amazingly supportive and loving and encouraging. I guess there has to be one in every group. I’ve supported him through cancer, surgeries, all matters of health and family crises – without question.
So, what to do? Nothing. Keep on the path I’ve chosen in dealing with the experience. At the same time, I realize that while I’ve not lost a friend, I have lost a confidant.
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I am sure he felt very uncomfortable with what you were saying. Being a man and a father, he probably canoot in his wildest dreams ever think of doing that to a child.
Because he cannot fight your demon for you, he wants it to just go away. He probably figures if you just forget it, you will never bring it back up to him in a conversation, so he is safe.
Unfortunately for him, you are not there for him to make HIM feel better about your situation.
Your father had no right or excuse for laying a hand on you. There is no excuse and there is, in my opinion, no forgiveness in this life. When his time for rebirth comes, it will be a very difficult road for him, a karmic equalizing if you will.
I am here for you. I had a strange childhood experience myself as you know with an uncle. My mother did not want me to hide it (which is what I did for 8 months) she wanted me to say it and face it.
It was hard and it was nasty, but because I faced it, I do not get punished my it anymore.
I have plenty of demons from cancer to my ex husband, but that is one demon I am clear of.
I am glad you went to a professional. It is what you needed. Sometimes people, especially a certain age group of people, do not understand talking to psychiatrist.
Hell, my own sister was a psychiatrist and she scared me!!
Do not let anyone tell you to just forget it or to be ashamed of seeking help.
When I get as courageous like you, I will go to a professional for my demons.
I am here for you.
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